1. No More Pokes. Let’s face it, people you barely know poking you is pretty creeptastic on Facebook. Strange that they’ve had this questionable form of harassment from day one but still refuse to add a “dislike” button. Anyways, real life social norms should prevent you from having to deal with people you think you remember from middle school coming up and poking you. And if they do, at least you can get a restraining order.
2. Use the Skills You’ve Learned. Instead of playing Farmville, why don’t you apply all of those useful skills, and go work on an ACTUAL farm. You can harvest crops and make it through the dry season, and actually make bank from it. Why play a game when you can do the real thing? If you’re more of the Mobsters type person, you should probably disregard this.
3. Safety First. I read something saying that there are more phishing attempts on Facebook than e-mail or any other platform (just trust me, I don’t have a source, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn…once). Deleting your account will keep you from trying to capitalize on that $500 Ikea Gift Card that seems to good to be true (that’s because it is). It’s okay, you didn’t want to assemble that bookshelf anyways, trust me.
4. Be Stupid Elsewhere. There are new ways for you to get in trouble. Now that more and more people are actually learning that calling your boss a cotton headed ninny muggins on Facebook CAN get you fired (word travels quick on the interwebz), it’s time to find new ways to screw yourself over. Technology is evolving, which means so is our stupidity. Why not move on to checking into the golf course on Foursquare when you said you had to stay home because the cable guy was coming by that afternoon?
5. Stick it to the man (before he sticks it to you). Zuckerburg has made it clear that in his mind, he runs the show and he will take Facebook in a direction that makes him more money, even if that is against the wishes of his users. Have you ever read the privacy agreement? Didn’t think so. For all you know by signing up he could have the right to sell you to a Russian looking for a soul mate. Just sayin’. Don’t tread on me, Zuck.
6. It’s Old and Wrinkly. If the really cool place in town for college kids to hang out was a bowling alley, and after a while, it started getting more and more crowded with your parents and even grandparents telling you “GREAT SHOT BABY, I’M SOOOO PROUD OF YOU. XOXO” what would you do? Leave in a hot second. Well, now that your parents are “liking” every status update and snooping on your photos, that’s basically what’s happened. So, let’s go find a new place to play, shall we?
7. End the Dictatorship. As it stands now, if Facebook were a country, it’d be the 3rd largest in the world. It’s bigger than the US friggin A. That’s scary right there. You don’t want that many people in one place. What used to be a well kept, clean “nation”, Facebook has forgotten to maintain its roads and buildings because it’s been too busy promoting capitalism and swimming in Benjamins. Face it, Facebook’s bugs and annoyances should be unacceptable for a tool that’s been around for so long.
8. Rioting in the Streets. Grab some popcorn and a cold one, because the day Facebook is placed in the Museum of Sites that Were, we will see all of the social media gurus and ninjas and mavens and insert-your-fave-here absolutely freak out. “What!? My only marketable skill was that I could set up and run a Facebook Page for companies.” Companies will see there social media “strategy” go down the drain. Rioting in the streets? “Experts” turning on their closest colleagues for a new job? Flocking to the next big thing? All highly likely.
9. Avoid Lame Jokes. You know what I’m talking about. You post a seemingly innocent status update, maybe a link to a halfway humorous video, and every one of your 893 quasi-friends suddenly think they’re a comic. If you rid yourself of this mess, you don’t have to give them a “lol” out of mercy anymore.
10. Let the Real Spammers Spam (instead of your friends). No, I do not want to attend the raging kegger that your fraternity in Alabama is throwing because 1. I didn’t like you when we had Spanish together in 11th grade and 2. I live 300 miles away. And by the way, I never did believe you when you said you dropped your phone in the pool. The number I gave you was fake. Just delete your profile, then you can return to winning the Mexican lottery on a weekly basis and sending money to offshore bank accounts to help out your new buddy, the “prince of romeania”. Yeah, see if he’s on Facebook.
11. (BONUS!) It’ll Make the Movie WAY More Interesting. I’m not quite sure what happened to the rumblings about making a movie on the Zuckster (didn’t they say Timberlake was going to be in it?), but if Facebook went under, it would probably make the flick about 8x’s more interesting. Deleting your profile can be your contribution to developing the movie plot.
Why would you suggest someone delete their account?
Photo by Laughing Squid