Facebook just surpassed the 500 million user mark. Which raises the question, what could you get done with 500 million people?

• If everyone donated $10, you’d have $5 billion to be split up among 5 different charitable causes. Not a bad donation, right?
• You could hold a basketball tournament featuring 50 million teams (with 3 subs and 2 cheerleaders on each team) from across the world. Good luck drawing up that bracket.
• You could own the Guinness Book of World Records for events such as “Largest Water Balloon Fight”, “Most people dancing to Thriller simultaneously,” “Largest slumber party” etc. etc.
• You could build an army that would pretty much dwarf any in existence (don’t even think about it, Zuckerburg)
• You could start your own country. Oh, and you’d have the 3rd largest population in the world.
• Unlock the “WTF! Where Did All of These People Come From?” badge on foursquare.
• Assuming the average person is 5 feet, 5 inches tall, you could stack the users on top of each other, reach the moon, and then stack them going back to the moon. Then, you’d still have 75000 miles of people left, which would allow you to wrap them around the circumference of earth 3 times. Dare to check my math?
• Film a semi-decent movie, get it in theaters, and get each of these 500 million people to go see it. Average ticket price of $10 means you’d gross $5 billion on opening day. Take that, Batman.
• Throw one heckuva epic party.
• Send out a search unit for Bin Laden.
• Construct a plan to convince one of the 500 million that their life was actually a made for tv movie (a la the Truman show).

What would you do?

Original photo from Robert Scales

Earlier this afternoon I tweeted that it’s only a matter of time until some over-ambitious young professional sends a video based on the Old Spice commercials to their dream company asking them to hire them. Fellow Tar Heel Rebecca Denison tweeted that Matt Stengel had mentioned a similar idea earlier this week and I said why don’t we write a script for a spot. So, here it is, feel free to steal it, modify it, etc, as long as you report back letting me know how it worked out for ya

(this version was written for a young, aspiring advertising professional)

“Hello (company), look at me, now at my resume, now at Don Draper. Back to me. Sadly, he’s not as creative as me. Now, look up. What’s that? Your profits. Rising higher than the mightiest of mountains. But wait, look down, back at me. What’s in your hand? Look again, my resume is now revenue. Anything is possible if you hire me. I have a briefcase.”

Stay thirsty my friends (what, the Dos Equis man had to be thrown in somehow, right?)

1. No More Pokes. Let’s face it, people you barely know poking you is pretty creeptastic on Facebook. Strange that they’ve had this questionable form of harassment from day one but still refuse to add a “dislike” button. Anyways, real life social norms should prevent you from having to deal with people you think you remember from middle school coming up and poking you. And if they do, at least you can get a restraining order.

2. Use the Skills You’ve Learned. Instead of playing Farmville, why don’t you apply all of those useful skills, and go work on an ACTUAL farm. You can harvest crops and make it through the dry season, and actually make bank from it. Why play a game when you can do the real thing? If you’re more of the Mobsters type person, you should probably disregard this.

3. Safety First. I read something saying that there are more phishing attempts on Facebook than e-mail or any other platform (just trust me, I don’t have a source, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn…once). Deleting your account will keep you from trying to capitalize on that $500 Ikea Gift Card that seems to good to be true (that’s because it is). It’s okay, you didn’t want to assemble that bookshelf anyways, trust me.

4. Be Stupid Elsewhere. There are new ways for you to get in trouble. Now that more and more people are actually learning that calling your boss a cotton headed ninny muggins on Facebook CAN get you fired (word travels quick on the interwebz), it’s time to find new ways to screw yourself over. Technology is evolving, which means so is our stupidity. Why not move on to checking into the golf course on Foursquare when you said you had to stay home because the cable guy was coming by that afternoon?

5. Stick it to the man (before he sticks it to you). Zuckerburg has made it clear that in his mind, he runs the show and he will take Facebook in a direction that makes him more money, even if that is against the wishes of his users. Have you ever read the privacy agreement? Didn’t think so. For all you know by signing up he could have the right to sell you to a Russian looking for a soul mate. Just sayin’. Don’t tread on me, Zuck.

6. It’s Old and Wrinkly. If the really cool place in town for college kids to hang out was a bowling alley, and after a while, it started getting more and more crowded with your parents and even grandparents telling you “GREAT SHOT BABY, I’M SOOOO PROUD OF YOU. XOXO” what would you do? Leave in a hot second. Well, now that your parents are “liking” every status update and snooping on your photos, that’s basically what’s happened. So, let’s go find a new place to play, shall we?

7. End the Dictatorship. As it stands now, if Facebook were a country, it’d be the 3rd largest in the world. It’s bigger than the US friggin A. That’s scary right there. You don’t want that many people in one place. What used to be a well kept, clean “nation”, Facebook has forgotten to maintain its roads and buildings because it’s been too busy promoting capitalism and swimming in Benjamins. Face it, Facebook’s bugs and annoyances should be unacceptable for a tool that’s been around for so long.

8. Rioting in the Streets. Grab some popcorn and a cold one, because the day Facebook is placed in the Museum of Sites that Were, we will see all of the social media gurus and ninjas and mavens and insert-your-fave-here absolutely freak out. “What!? My only marketable skill was that I could set up and run a Facebook Page for companies.” Companies will see there social media “strategy” go down the drain. Rioting in the streets? “Experts” turning on their closest colleagues for a new job? Flocking to the next big thing? All highly likely.

9. Avoid Lame Jokes. You know what I’m talking about. You post a seemingly innocent status update, maybe a link to a halfway humorous video, and every one of your 893 quasi-friends suddenly think they’re a comic. If you rid yourself of this mess, you don’t have to give them a “lol” out of mercy anymore.

10. Let the Real Spammers Spam (instead of your friends). No, I do not want to attend the raging kegger that your fraternity in Alabama is throwing because 1. I didn’t like you when we had Spanish together in 11th grade and 2. I live 300 miles away. And by the way, I never did believe you when you said you dropped your phone in the pool. The number I gave you was fake.  Just delete your profile, then you can return to winning the Mexican lottery on a weekly basis and sending money to offshore bank accounts to help out your new buddy, the “prince of romeania”. Yeah, see if he’s on Facebook.

11. (BONUS!) It’ll Make the Movie WAY More Interesting. I’m not quite sure what happened to the rumblings about making a movie on the Zuckster (didn’t they say Timberlake was going to be in it?), but if Facebook went under, it would probably make the flick about 8x’s more interesting. Deleting your profile can be your contribution to developing the movie plot.

Why would you suggest someone delete their account?

Photo by Laughing Squid

9 out of 10 Farm Animals Agree. Analogous Friday Rocks!

Somebody set that 10th farm animal straight for me.

Anyways, there’s been quite a few new faces roaming around The Curb lately (I mean that in the least sketchy way possible), so I felt like today would be a great day to take a look back at some of my favorite Analogous Friday moments. If you’ve been reading them regularly, take a chance to revisit some of your favorite videos.

For you new folks around these parts, Analogous Friday takes place each Friday and is really my attempt to help us all unwind before the weekend. First, I’ll show you a video I found throughout the week (feel free to send me any good ones you find) that got me giggling, and hopefully will get some knee slapping laughter out of you too. Then, I go on to make some ridiculous analogies about how the video relates to marketing, business, and life in general. Sure, they’re a stretch a lot of times, but every now and then you MAY walk away having learned something.

Basically, Analogous Friday is a whole lot of fun for me and I hope you have half as much fun reading it as I do writing it.

So, what are some of the finest Analogous Friday iterations so far? Well, if ya ask me these are the top 4 (because top 5 is way too cliche):

1. Yo Gabba Whatta? – This was probably the most fun I’ve had writing an Analogous Friday and I think it shows as you read it. Not only does the video make you want to just dance uncontrollably, but it also taught us very important lessons including: “Don’t Do Drugs.”
2. Bacon is Good for Marking – This was the very first Analogous Friday video, which makes it even more epic. To this day, whenever I’m really bored or need a pick-me-up I’ll go back and watch this video. It just has so many great lines in it. Oh yeah, and I guess you can learn something from it too.
3. Jared Allen and Mullets. Oh Yeah, and Marketing. – This one’s for all the Minnesotans out there (which, according to my Analytics, is about 11 of you). This video proves that Jared Allen isn’t just a Pro Bowler, but that he’s actually a pretty funny dude. Key takeaway lesson here was “Where’s your heart-shaped chest hair?”
4. What Can You Learn From a Drunk Ewok? – You don’t have to be a Jedi to appreciate this video, as the ewok’s tend to become “That Guy” when they get a little tipsy. If you didn’t see this clip from the Today show…well, let’s just say that it ends with an ewok humping Al Roker. Yeah, you read that correctly.

Did I miss any of your favorites? Any suggestions about how to make Analogous Friday even better in the future? Let’s hear it all in the comments!

Image by Bill Gracey

As much as you can argue that the real meaning of Christmas and the holidays isn’t about presents and gift-buying, if you ask any retail store in America, they’ll tell you something entirely different. So, maybe you are a marketer, PR person, or social media “guru” who doesn’t know what to ask for for the holidays, or maybe you’re trying to buy for one of these people, and have no clue what to get them!

Well, you’re problem is solved because I”m here to give you the list of the best presents ever for this exact group of people. So take out your notepad, set up your Amazon.com account, and check your account balances, because I’m about to do your job for you. You can thank me later.

MONEY!

As usual, you can’t go wrong with some Benjamins. The finance department can be marketers worst enemy sometimes so if you give them and endless supply of money, these problems will virtually disappear. And for all of those social media guys who have trouble proving ROI, this can let them say forget about the ROI, I’ll just give you all of this money, you just let me play around on Twitter all day. Sounds pretty sweet, huh?

A PACK OF SOCIAL MEDIA TRADING CARDS

The ultimate stocking stuffer. These were created by myself and a few others on Twitter (you know who you are) and are sure to be a hot item this holiday season. You can only hope that your pack contains an autographed Gary Vee card, a Chris Brogan rookie card, or even a David Armano Movember edition card (I hear it has a patch of real hair on it). Here’s one of the hotter cards right now, made by yours truly

RAIN BOOTS

There are a lot of marketers and PR people out there who are just now getting their feet wet in social media. At least, they were, until you got them some killer rain boots.

A LITTLE BLACK BOOK

Twitter has all sorts of scantily clad women that are vying for your attention. So many, that sometimes it’s hard to keep up with all of them. This will help solve those problems immediately. Or, you could just block all of them. The next gift may also help with this…

CONDOMS

Nowadays, everyone and their brother is trying to make something go viral, and when you’re around so much viral content, you need protection. It’s a wonder there isn’t a viral epidemic in the social media industry already with everyone flocking to these viral items. Keep your loved ones safe with a box of these babies.

IDENTITY PROTECTION

Nothing is scarier than a stolen identity, and, unfortunately, Twitter has made it very easy for thousands of users to do this by claiming to be “social media gurus” “marketing rockstars” or self-proclaimed “ninjas of (insert industry here).” Nevermind that being a “ninja” actually makes no sense unless you’re trying to kill your competitors quietly in the dark of the night, an account with an identity protection provider can prevent these frauds from impeding on your awesomeness.

A DAY AWAY FROM SOCIAL MEDIA

Take them on a nice day trip somewhere. Go to all sorts of places where they’d want to check into on Foursquare. Take lots of pictures they can upload to Flickr, Twitter, Facebook, and maybe even Posterous. Also, make sure you go to a tweetup with them if there’s one nearby. Crap. So much for the day off.

A SUBSCRIPTION TO THE CURBSIDE MARKETER

The ultimate gift that keeps on giving. This freebie is one that they’ll cherish deeply and doesn’t only provide entertainment, but will hopefully help them get super smart. Best of all, it’s free and comes in two sizes: e-mail (in the sidebar), or RSS.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

If you’re new to Analogous Friday, welcome to awesomeland. This is a little thingamajig I do every week (on a Friday, obvi) where I share with you a sweet-to-the-third-power video that I’ve come across for your entertainment. Then, after aforementioned entertainment, I’ll make some loony analogy for how it relates to marketing and business. Then, in the comments, you continue the analogousness and come up with your own. So, those are the rules, kiddos, play ball!

If you’ve never watched The Soup, then you’re missing out. I don’t get into all the celebrity news and reality tv shows really, but Joel McHale is hilarious and sends this clip our way.

First of all, if you’ve never watched Yo Gabba Gabba, much less heard of it, it’s super weird. After seeing this clip I looked up a few more and I sincerely am not sure if I would let my kids watch it. It seems like the writers/producers/actors/maybechildren all may or may not be on drugs, and it’s just uber weird. With that being said, it can still teach us a lot.

STAY IN SCHOOL

These poor kids probably dropped out of school at the ripe age of 3 (probably because their preschool teacher refused to let them eat play-doh). One thing led to another and play-doh turns into other things and before they know it, they’re hanging out with Brobie and Toody (or w/e their names are). Not the type crowd that’s going to take you places. And if that wasn’t enough…

DON’T DO DRUGS

That’s All.

DON’T THROW OUT CRAZY IDEAS

I would LOVE to have been in the board room of whatever company came up with this idea when it was first pitched. I can only hope that they had characters dressed up in costumes involved in the presentation and asked the CEO to do a dance with Nathaniel. Too often in the brainstorming process do people hold back because they’re afraid of rejection. I’m a believer that the more ideas you have the better your final product will turn out. You can combine the ideas and build off of each other. The point is, don’t throw out an idea because you think it’s “dumb” or “silly” because it may just make you filthy rich.

STOP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT EVERYONE THINKS

Do you think my main man Nathaniel was dancing to please Toody? Heck no. He was getting his groove on because he was having an absolute blast. He wasn’t worrying about whether Joel McHale would be making fun of him on The Soup, or whether or not you would sit at your computer watching him on YouTube. Whether it’s out with your friends or on Twitter where you’re creating a personal brand, don’t put on a mask, just be yourself.

Did ya like it? If you want more Analogous Friday, check out “Jared Allen and Mullets. Oh yeah, and Marketing.”

If you’re new to Analogous Friday, welcome to the your awesomeland. This is a little doo-dad I do every week (on a Friday, no duh) where I share with you a wicked video that I’ve come across for your entertainment. Then, after said entertainment, I’ll make some asinine analogy for how it relates to marketing and business. Then, in the comments, you continue the analogousness and come up with your own. So, those are the rules, kiddos, let’s get ready to rumble!

Today’s video features Jared Allen of the Minnesota Vikings, but you don’t even have to be a sports fan to enjoy this video, which emphasizes the magnificence of the mullet.

So, not only is Jared Allen a straight-up beast on the football field, but he’s also good for some laughs. You know what else he’s good for? Lessons on life, business, and marketing…

BUSINESS UP FRONT PARRTY IN THE BACK

Yes, sometimes you have to buckle down and take care of biznus, but you don’t want to be a loser who is always dead serious and strikes fear into anyone who thinks about sneaking in a laugh. Yes, your work life will probably bleed into your personal life, but don’t prevent your personality and personal interests from becoming a big part of your professional life either. If you can loosen up a little and turn on your “Parrty in the back” side at the right times, this will go a long way in helping you to ENJOY your job. Just remember, a mullet doesn’t start in one place and stop in another. It’s made with the combination of business up front and party in the back and they can’t be separated. So, act like you’re a mullet.

INNOVATORS AREN’T FOLLOWERS

Jared (yea, first name basis) points out that the people in the 80s who first rocked the mullet didn’t do it because it was “cool” or because someone else was. They did it because they were “badass.” They were true innovators and created a legendary hairstyle. So, your business isn’t going to make it big by doing things because they think it’ll make them cool, just like Company X. They’re going to make it big by doing something awesome, which, because it is awesome, it will most definitely make them cool.

WHERE’S YOUR HEART-SHAPED CHEST HAIR?

Jared Allen is a super intimidating person on the outside. He has hairy legs, a hairy face, rocks a mullet, and will break you into. However, under all of this “Paul Bunyon” manliness, he has a softer side (both in reference to his heart shaped chest hair, which I’m sure is very soft, as well as in reference to his personality). As a business professional, sometimes we have to exert our power because that’s just what it takes to get the job done. But be careful not to develop a hunger to exert it anytime. You’ll lose friends pretty quickly and develop a reputation for a power-hungry monster. Showing customers, coworkers, or clients how much you care about them in a genuine manner every now and then can go a long way in developing close relationships with them.

There’s your analogosuness for this week! What else did Jared teach you in his video?

For an extra dose of Analogous Friday, check out what we learned about marketing last week from Drunk Ewok’s on the Today Show.

I don’t know about you but in my short, short time in the business world, I’ve come across my fair share of business analogies. What I’ve come to notice is that after a while, these analogies become a lot like a Black Eyed Peas song, pretty damn repetitive. So, I figured it would be fun to make a list of the most over-used business analogies. Why not, right?

Now, before I start, let me just say this. These are used a LOT, but that doesn’t mean that I disagree with any of them. For one, I’ve used a lot of them right here on The Curbside Marketer, and we all know how I love my analogies. So if I link to one of your blog posts where you used one (some of the links include blogs of everyone from David Spinks, Ryan Stephens, and Matt Cheuvront, to Seth Godin and Chris Brogan), so don’t be discouraged! It just means that you’re right there with everyone else that uses it and now you’re famous!

GOLF ANALOGIES

Right off the bat, I’m guilty as charged for golf analogies. I think part of this has to do with golf being such a big part of conducting business, but there are really so many different ways you can relate golf to business. Golf is really such an intricate game that involves so many factors that it does lend itself very well to analogies, and I’m pretty convinced I could write some sort of E-Book with nothing but golf analogies.

Image by roeyahram

ANYTHING TO DO WITH FISH

I don’t really know why but this seems to be another popular choice among business people and bloggers alike. This can be the big fish in a small pond analogy, involve some form of fish tank or fish bowl, the sport of fishing, or mention fish in some other way. No matter which way you cut it, us business folk sure are a fishy bunch, myself included!

Image by a_trotskyite

FIND YOUR INNER CHILD

I do feel sort of bad putting this on here, because I really do love this analogy, but it is probably the most used of any of these. The truth is that children really do have it figured out. They have terrific imaginations, don’t worry about things too far in the future or the past, are wildly curious, are insanely to the point, and really have more fun than the rest of us. So, since kids are the kings and queens of being awesome, why not talk about them so much? This is also my excuse for why I plan on acting like a kid well into my 80s.

Image by lambertwm

THE COCKTAIL PARTY

Don’t you wish you had a cocktail for every time you heard a cocktail analogy? This is the only one I don’t have a lot of blogging evidence of, but I know it exists, trust me! Plus, you know it’s true, right? Usually this one goes something like in social media you can’t just walk into the cocktail party and start selling your product, you have to take time to develop those relationships first. I’m sure there’s other uses of the cocktail party in an analogy, but this is by far the most overused.

Image by Kenny Hindgren

THE BAND-AID ANALOGY

Rounding out the list is the ever popular band-aid analogy. You better not just be going after the quick fix for your company and looking for band aids. You need to find the root of the problem and fix it, that way there won’t be any long term infection. So, you can’t just slap a band-aid on a broken leg, you need to treat it and heal it. Right, Ryan? If I had an actual band-aid for every time I came across a band-aid analogy, well, I’d be stuck with a bunch of useless band-aids.

Image by Mimi_K

—————–

So there you have it, five of the most overused business analogies. If you’re sitting there steaming over an analogy I blatantly missed, then get your panties out of a wad and tell us about it in the comments! Oh yea, and this post is obviously link bait, so help a brother out and give this sucker a re-tweet!

If you’re new to Analogous Friday, welcome to the promised land. This is a little diddy I do every week (on a Friday, duh) where I share with you a wicked sweet video that I’ve come across for your entertainment. Then, after said entertainment, I’ll make some asinine analogy for how it relates to marketing and business. Then, in the comments, you continue the analogousness and come up with your own. So, those are the rules, kiddos, now let’s get started.

I know the absence of Analogous Friday last week saddened you, so I’ll do my best to make it up to you today. First, here’s this week’s clip of the week.

First, let this video teach you that people who walk up stairs aren’t just not lazy, but we have a lot more fun too. What’s this gotta do with you? Ya know what? I’m so glad you asked…

STEP UP YOUR GAME

Even if your all technologically advanced and easier to use (like escalators clearly are  compared to steps), this doesn’t mean you’re home free. All it takes is some differentiating factor that can set the competition ahead of you in the eyes of the consumer. It doesn’t have to be something extremely useful or something that you’d ever even think of including in your product. So, are you going to sit back and let someone install a piano in their product and turn it into something that’s wicked sick? Or are you going to beat them to the punch?

WALK TO YOUR OWN BEAT

I love watching people walk up the steps in this video because nobody does it the same. Some go up two steps, then back down a couple, some hop up and down them, some actually look like they’re trying to play a song on them. They awesome thing is that NOBODY is doing it “wrong,” they’re just doing it differently. There’s always more than one way to get something done and, although people may tell you your way sucks, who really cares? Especially if your way is 10 times more fun than everyone elses!

For more Analogous Friday, rewind your clocks and check out the last edition: Analogous Friday: The Veggie Edition

If you’re new to Analogous Friday, welcome to the promised land. This is a little diddy I do every week (on a Friday, duh) where I share with you a wicked sweet video that I’ve come across for your entertainment. Then, after said entertainment, I’ll make some asinine analogy for how it relates to marketing and business. Then, in the comments, you continue the analogousness and come up with your own. So, those are the rules, kiddos, now let’s get started.

This week we have two “precious” little kids who appear in a Trigon Commercial and are having a very entertaining discussion. There’s another hilarious (more popular) video featuring the boy in this video here.

What can we learn from this adorable duo? Well…

COMMUNICATION IS KEY

You know there’s always someone you work with that you just can’t get on the same page with. No matter how many times you explain something they just can’t understand. In bigger organizations, these communication issues can develop between departments or project teams. It’s like the left side of the brain isn’t connected to the right. Well, these are problems that need to be addressed because you don’t want to be talking Spanish when you’re supposed to be making spinach.

NOTHIN BUT BIZNESS

As the boy in the video so frankly puts it, “We’re doing business here.” One side of this is,  yes, sometimes you need to buckle down and get to work. No, there’s no time to play on Twitter right now because there’s a deadline in 3 hours. The other side of this is that sometimes people just need chill the heck out at work and have fun every now and then. Yes, it’s important to work hard and sometimes you need zero distractions, but let’s be honest, work is way more enjoyable when you can loosen up and have fun with your coworkers every now and then.

So those are my two nuggets of wisdom from the video. What did I miss? Chime in below in the comments!

For more Analogousness, check out the Mayhem Miller edition from last week!